7/16/2017 0 Comments Perceptions of ImperfectionsThis one is personal. I don’t want to create this internet persona of living in a state of perpetual positivity, so I think it is important that you all realize that, despite having some wisdom on these topics, I still experience moments of doubt regarding my body image. One of the things that has plagued me for a long time is something I did not expect to happen as I lost weight. When I began this journey, I had the naive image of the tight, hot bod that I would have once I reached my goal weight. Unfortunately for me, I never took into consideration the way the human body reacts to extreme weight gain followed my extreme weight loss. When you grab a brand new, uninflated balloon from the package, the material has a lot of resistance. You can stretch it and pull it in every direction, but it’s almost impossible to understand how that small piece of latex can inflate to be 10 times it’s current size. Yet, when you begin to inflate it, the balloon accommodates the added air to contain it to a certain extent. However, when the balloon is again deflated, the latex appears shriveled, never again to return to it’s initially resistant elasticity. Just as a balloon expands to contain more air, so too does human skin expand to contain fat from weight gain. And just as the balloon can never again regain the tautness it once had, nor can your skin. The result is the dreaded “sag.” My workout regimen requires me to not only participate in cardiovascular activities, but also lift weights. This combination would allow the typical person to become leaner, more “cut,” perhaps even get that coveted six pack. For me, that is not the case. This has been my strongest point of self consciousness since I began losing weight. For both myself and others, there is a huge discrepancy between how I should look and how I do look. First impressions are typically made solely on appearance, and I try my best to dress myself well. I can pull off those tight party dresses that I wear to my husband’s company Christmas parties each year, but not without spanx. I will wear a bikini, but only if the bottoms are high waisted. And I wear spandex leggings to the gym every single day, but you’ll never see me work out in shorts. Especially when I decided to reenter the dating scene, this became an issue for me. Like many adults with busy lives, I turned to online dating to meet new people. I’m not opposed to this option whatsoever, and in fact, I met my husband online. However, online dating is based almost solely on superficiality: we choose the people with whom we’d like to communicate based on a few photos and a brief description of themselves that likely highlights only their positive traits. My profile, of course, emphasized my success with weight loss and my love for CrossFit. The typical introductory message that I received from another member included complimentary accolades like, “Wow! You do CrossFit!” or “That’s a lot of weight to lose!” Inevitably, however, those messages tended to digress into comments like, “With how often you work out, I bet you are solid” or “You’re so hot in your pictures, I bet you have a great body.” Based on my perspective, neither of these things were true, and it made me so self conscious that I tended to “settle” for men who I thought might accept my physical flaws. Unfortunately, I tended to incorrectly assess their personalities and ended up with men who did not meet my expectations for how I hoped to be treated. For a long while, the reality of this situation made me somewhat depressed. I directly correlated my lack of success with men to my physical appearance. More often than I’d like to count, I’ve heard myself saying, “I wish my body appropriately reflected all of the work I put in at the gym,” or “I have bat wings, not arms,” or worst of all, “My saggy skin is my punishment for allowing my weight to get so out of control in the first place.” These statements were toxic and diminished the important progress that I had made toward being healthier, not just thinner. I fixated on the problem areas that no one other than myself could see instead of allowing myself to be proud of the extraordinary accomplishments that I had made. I started to consider more drastic approaches to remedying this, namely surgery. There were a few issues with this approach that made me hesitate. First, and foremost, was the cost. I was a single woman living on a teacher’s salary while paying off student loans, a mortgage, and a car payment. There was no conceivable way that I could afford to pay for skin removal procedures, even if I focused on one area at a time (thighs, arms, midsection, etc.). Second, my dedication to CrossFit had allowed me to meet so many physical goals of which I was proud, both in terms of strength and performance. The recovery time required for such a surgery would no doubt result in losing those gains, only to have to start all of that hard work from the beginning once I was allowed to return to the gym. Furthermore, my inability to engage in physical activity after having been so active for so long, would likely result in weight gain. I could envision myself becoming so overwhelmed with these digressions that I might give up altogether. And for what? My reasons for considering surgery were rooted completely in vanity. My saggy skin did not impede my daily activities, was not a health risk, and was easily disguised when I wanted it to be. I decided that surgery was not the route I wanted to take. With this in mind, the only viable option was to begin accepting myself for who I had become and realize that all of those vain expectations that I had for myself affected only a small percentage of my life. I spent so much time concerned with how I looked in a bikini or a mini skirt, without realizing that I spend only a few days each year dawning these items...so why was I obsessing over them? If logically it did not make sense to change the imperfections that I developed as I lost weight, it also did not logically make sense to put time and emotional effort into worrying about them. I had to change my mentality. Instead of thinking of my saggy skin as a punishment for previous unhealthy behaviors, I started to think of it as a badge of honor for the progress I’ve made toward being a healthier me, but also as a reminder that I have a long way to go. Using this manner of thinking has helped me to not only be proud of my accomplishments, but also to continue working toward my own wellness. Does that mean that I have set foot on the path of positivity and optimism without ever looking back? No. To say that I have would be foolish and unrealistic. But each day I am getting closer to having both feet firmly planted on its pavement. So how does this apply to those of you who are reading? Does this mean that you will have saggy skin after losing weight, as well? Maybe. Maybe not. But there will inevitably be something that changes about your body that you did not expect and that you do not like. Don’t allow whatever that thing is to diminish the journey on which you have embarked. Hard work and dedication are far superior to physical perfection, and exhibiting these traits makes others blind to what you might perceive as flaws.
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