7/22/2018 0 Comments To my Husband on our AnniversaryWhen I started dating again as a newly “skinny” girl, I did so with the expectation that most men would not understand what I’d been through, or the positive and negative results of that journey. Like any reasonable (sorta) female, then, I typically summarized this weightloss journey at some point during all of my first dates.
“Wait...you lost how much weight?” was the typical response, followed by a barrage of questions and then a seemingly hesitant, “Well, that’s really awesome.” I could tell that the compliment wasn’t entirely untrue, but also that beneath it, there were some questions about how such a thing would affect one’s physical appearance. After several dates, a few that turned into short-lived relationships, I was fed up. They didn’t understand why I ate the way I did or why I prioritized going to the gym each day. They couldn’t fathom the fact that when they called me “hot,” I had a reaction of disbelief, or why it was difficult for me to accept the compliment. Nor could they appreciate the way I’d learned to love as a “fat” girl: I lacked the looks and confidence, so I made up for it by loving passionately and with my whole heart. It had been about a month since the last time Chris, now my husband, sent me a message on Tinder (go ahead, get the jokes out of your system now), and needless to say, the riveting conversation we had about the sandwich I was eating for lunch was not enough for me to pursue further discussion. In fact, when he messaged me again, I didn’t realize we had ever interacted before. Unfortunately, that one month breather between messages was just long enough for me to become completely disillusioned with dating and men in general. I can’t tell you why I decided to respond to him that day. I had other messages sitting in my inbox and ignored them entirely, but his deeply insightful, “Hi, how are you?” somehow grabbed my attention. Maybe it was because he wasn’t the kind of guy I would typically go for. The year prior to that had been filled with the same exact guy, recycled with a different name and a different car. He didn’t fit the mold, and I think it made me feel less guarded, less intimidated, less anxious. Being the predictable person that I am, I provided the disclaimer regarding my weight loss on our first date, and he asked the same questions I typically received. My heart hunkered down in my chest as I responded, watching his body language for a reaction. To my surprise, it was not the reaction I had predicted. Once I had exhausted my confession, he reciprocated with one of his own: he had lost over half of his body weight, just as I had done. In that moment, my heart stood from it’s retreating position, and fluttered to my stomach, creating those cliche butterflies we hear so much about. We both had been there: overweight, unhappy, and unhealthy. It’s difficult to understand the switch. Until recently, the vast majority of our population either fit that description or did not. There were no crossovers. There were no T Swifts in the world of weight. He understood the mentality that came with the change: the odd concoction of newfound confidence and excitement, mixed up with a flood of confusion that we could not begin to clarify to the common onlooker. It’s like waking up in a world in which people can only walk on their hands: you’ve always walked on your legs, and with enough practice you could probably learn to walk on your hands, but it will always seem foreign and awkward. Of course, you will trip and fall down many times, not because you choose to, just because it happens. And while you would eventually get up and walk on your hands once more, it is much easier to have someone else who understands your struggle to help you back up. It was a new and incredible feeling to have someone who could do that for me. Our first months of dating revealed a connection I hadn’t found in anyone else. It was as though we had a whole history of inside jokes and stories that we could pull from, and we’d only just met. We laughed about the fact that our next spouse will never have to guess what our 80 year old bodies will look like: we already have them! We compared stories of our excessive eating, joking about how “fat” Crystal or Chris could put down a whole pizza in a single sitting, then had heartfelt discussions about why we had no hesitation about doing so then, yet it would bother us now. We nervously giggled about the awkward moments when we thought we could do what our thin friends could do (like riding roller coasters with tight harness spaces or shopping at American Eagle) and failing miserably. I know that all of those examples seem entirely superficial. You might be thinking that being able to joke around doesn’t create a solid foundation for a relationship, and in many ways, you’d be right. But with those jokes came an unspoken understanding of a concept with which most people could not identify. When I look in the mirror and see that my abs aren’t as defined as I’d like them to be, he bends over and kisses my tummy. When I am ready to give into the temptation of eating what I should not, he places his hand gently on mine, preventing me from reaching for it. And when I feel down because I’ve gained a pound or two, he wraps his arms around me and whispers in my ear, “I think you’re the most beautiful woman in the world.” I love him, and he loves me, both despite and because of the struggles we’ve faced in the past, and those with which we continue to struggle. Both despite and because of our sometimes irrational self images. Both despite and because of our bumpy search for self love and confidence. I cannot think of a truer love than that. I’m not saying that someone who has lost a lot of weight has to find a counterpart who has done the same. What I am saying is that his/her partner needs to be supportive and understanding of the consequences of this journey, both positive and negative. Although it is a life change for the better, crossovers are difficult. Just as we can sometimes still hear a little twang in T Swift’s most recent pop song, there will always be a glimmer of the perspective you had as an overweight person. I have found that support and understanding in my husband. May you also find yours. <3
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