As awkward teenagers, we probably all struggled with “finding” ourselves. Our elders tell us that as we grow up, we will have that inevitable experience that will define who we are for the rest of our lives. Maybe that experience is a first job, college, the army, Peace Corps, etc. I believe that we do not truly know ourselves until we fight tooth and nail to achieve a goal that we want more than anything else in the world. However, doing this requires an unbelievable amount of courage. As a result, most of us go through life without ever knowing who we truly are. I can say without any hesitation that the greatest part of my weight loss journey was not necessarily the weight loss itself; it was the discovery of who I truly am. Let me paint an image of teenage Crystal. My musical preferences were much different than they are today: Nine Inch Nails, Metallica, Pantera, Linkin Park, etc. Any upbeat music, including pop and hip-hop, were absolutely insufferable in my mind. They were stupid, and severely lacked musical merit. I wore black all.the.time. Black was slimming, right? But more so, it represented my mood. The little girl who once loved pink and purple was kept quiet in the back of the closet with the frilly dresses that her mom wished she wore. Furthermore, the clothing that I wore often consisted of jeans and t-shirts that had sarcastic quotes printed on them. For example, “How many vegetables had to die for your stupid salad” or “Your inferiority complex is justified.” I liked to be alone. I didn’t need friends. I didn’t need a man. I didn’t need to go out. I was perfectly content to sit in the basement every night and watch television or play video games while eating Doritos and drinking Mountain Dew (I wish I could honestly say I wasn’t so stereotypical, but I was). I loved video games like Doom, Chronicles of Riddick, and really anything else that involved shooting things. Anyone who asked me to actually leave the house and do something that required physical activity was likely graced with the most cynical laugh I could muster at the time. Being in school inevitably meant that I received some criticism for my weight. I didn’t care. The people who were making fun of me were shallow, superficial, and stupid. I didn’t care what they thought because most of them would end up dropping out of college and working minimum wage jobs anyway. That was a point about which I was incredibly vocal because, quite frankly, I was kind of a bitch. I was unhappy. I was mean. I hated myself and I hated almost everyone else. For years, I was squeezing myself into a mold that offered the lowest likelihood of encountering judgement. I used things like musical preferences, clothing, and “hobbies” to interact (or not interact) with people who (I thought) were less likely to judge me for my appearance, not realizing that I was being unfair to both myself (for denying myself authentic interests) and to people who genuinely rooted themselves in these types of activities (for using stereotypes to assume how they would react to a person’s physical appearance). When I look back at the first 25 years of my life and realize how much I missed simply because it didn’t “fit” the “persona” I had created for myself, I can’t believe how foolish I was. Driven by fear, I missed out on countless opportunities for valuable life experiences and social interactions. Even while I was in college, I refused to go to a party because, no matter who was hosting, it wasn’t “my crowd.” In reality, I was simply unsure whether or not I would be judged for my appearance. I avoided any outdoor activities, most excursions that required walking or physical activity, many things that required social interaction, and anything that involved the beach. As I began to lose weight and became more confident, I learned so much about myself. I do genuinely enjoy the rock genre of music, and Trent Reznor of Nine Inch Nails will always be my first love, but I absolutely love pop and hip hop music! It’s upbeat, energetic, and although I have the whitest dance moves EVER, it makes me want to shake what my mama gave me. I love fashion! Of course, I still wear black, but I enjoy experimenting with different colors and accessories. I wear dresses all the time, and heels on nearly a daily basis! While I like watching a good movie while I cuddle with my hubby on the couch, I cannot tell you the last time I played a video game other than Just Dance. I liked going to the bar with my girlfriends, spending hours at the gym, dancing, hiking, laying in the sun (yes, on the beach!), going to concerts, going on road trips, hanging out with other people, going shopping...in general, I loved experiencing all of the things that life has to offer, not just sitting in front of my television every night. I became less and less concerned about where I might find “my people” and more concerned with doing what I actually liked. I didn’t feel pressured into a particular activities because I was concerned about how people would view me while participating in said activities. This came with some negatives: I lost touch with some friends, grew out of a long term relationship, and experienced several moments of confusion that caused me to question whether or not I had made the right decisions for myself. However, the positives outweighed the negatives. I discovered who I really am without any hesitations or stipulations that I applied to myself based on societal expectations. I have learned to be true to myself and do the things that I love. This, in turn, has made me an exponentially happier person. Reflecting on this progress reminds me of a quote from one of my favorite movies, Fight Club. The great Tyler Durden asks, “How much can you know about yourself if you’ve never been in a fight?” This incredibly applicable to anyone who has fought for a real change in his/her life. Regardless of your success in achieving that goal, the fight for it forces you to learn more about who you truly are than any other journey in life.
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August 2017
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