10/22/2017 8 Comments Dear Grandma: An Open LetterI don’t regret many things in my life. I believe that all of our actions serve a purpose and because we cannot change those actions, time spent regretting them is useless. However, one of the few things that I truly do regret is not having had the foresight to start making positive changes in my life at a younger age so that I could share the successes that I’ve achieved with the ones that I love the most. Unfortunately, this is often a realization that comes too late. As I sit here today, shocked by the realization that it has been exactly 10 years since the world lost my grandmother’s beautiful smile, quick wit, compassionate heart, and absolutely legit Italian cooking, this regret is especially apparent. After a decade without my grandmother, I’ve written a letter to her in hopes that, if there is an afterlife, she might be able to see me now and share pride in all that I’ve accomplished: Dear Grandma, I’m grateful to have a photo to capture the last time that I was able to talk to you face to face, to hug you, to hear your laugh. Although you left us in October of 2007, the last time I saw you was on August 29, the day before I got on an airplane and traveled to Cologne, Germany for a semester of study abroad. You were so proud of me on that day. I was the first of our family to do something like this, a it was a huge leap of faith for a girl who had only taken two vacations in her entire life, never venturing far from the limits of our little town in western Pennsylvania.
I knew you were sick. Our family knew the realities of pancreatic cancer all too well, having lost another family member suddenly to the very same thing only a few years beforehand. As I contemplated the pros and cons of taking the opportunity to move 1,000s of miles away to live in a time zone 6 hours ahead of yours, I couldn’t help but wonder if I was just being selfish in accepting it. The possibility that I might never see you again was a very real one. And yet, the phone call that I received from another continent on a cold October morning, before the sun even had time to rise, seemed more like a dream (or maybe a nightmare) than any other moment in my life. As stepped off of a direct train from the Berlin city center to Berlin Tegal Airport to board a flight to Dublin, Ireland, a single vibration of my German trac-phone sent my anticipation to explore new, foreign lands spiraling into a feeling of shame and self-loathing for not being by your side, for having eternally lost my opportunity to say goodbye to you for the final time...and I had no one to blame but myself for having made the decision to benefit my own personal well being instead of yours. As I pressed the red hang up button on my “Handy,” I slumped to the ground, my back against a fence halfway between the train and the entrance to the airport. I looked around at the lights high above me, blurred from both fog and my own tears. I would never be able to share this experience, that you so wanted for me, with you. You would never see me graduate from college, get a job, get married, buy my first car, my first home…and as I reflect on this today, I realize that you never got to know me for who I really am. Grandma, I am not the person who took that picture with you on August 29, 2007, and if you were here to see that, I think you would be so proud of me for having left her behind. I’ve made my mistakes, that is for sure, but the person who sits here today has accomplished so many of the things that you always wanted for her. I’m not only the first of our family to receive a bachelor’s degree, but also the first to earn a master’s. I’ve broken away from the holds of western Pennsylvania, and tried my hand living in both Memphis, TN and Winchester, VA where I have made a home and a life for myself. I am a professional in the working world, having established myself as a competent teacher with many students who respect and appreciate me. I’ve traveled to so many places that I never thought I would see, from coast to coast in the United States, to Europe, to the Caribbean. I have dedicated myself to losing weight and have done so with great success. As a result, I am a much healthier version of the woman you once knew, and absolutely more confident in myself in every single aspect of my life. I’ve found an incredible man, who loves me, supports me, treats me like a queen, and could definitely keep up with your quick wit if he had the chance. I have a beautiful step-daughter who I know you would love to spoil with candies, clothes, and a $10 bill slipped surreptitiously into her pocket. I have great friends who love and endlessly support me in whatever decisions I make (even if they are sometimes foolish). I have big muscles and can lift up some pretty heavy things (and occasionally put them back down). Grandma, I have used these last 10 years to become a person of whom I believe you would be incredibly proud. I wish you could see me now. I hope so much that you can see me now. All My Love, Crystal
8 Comments
Debbie Milo
10/22/2017 09:23:45 am
The Experiences of your life have helped to make you who you are today, including your trip to Germany. Grandma knew that and would never have wanted you to miss that experience. (one that she always wished she could have had) She was so proud of the person that you were then as she would be of the person you are now.
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Crystal
10/28/2017 04:40:08 am
Thank you, mom! ❤️
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Fay Stump
10/22/2017 09:35:55 am
So...your blog is amazing...and I think I can see it as a basis of a book for young women. Such wisdom. Such hope. Such an amazing life you are modeling!
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Crystal Gage
10/28/2017 04:41:10 am
Thank you, Fay! Maybe one day I’ll make a book happen! We’ll see what the future holds!
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Angie
10/22/2017 01:44:33 pm
Your mother raised an amazing and skillful woman as her mother raised her. Your accomplishments and success have proved you are as amazing as your mother is and grandmother was.
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Crystal Gage
10/28/2017 04:41:31 am
Thank you, Angie!
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Shelly rice
10/22/2017 04:33:08 pm
Very well written. Debbie you did such a great job raising her. Crystal your Grandpa is very proud of you too. He always talks about you. You look amazing. Keep up the great work.
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Crystal Gage
10/28/2017 04:41:51 am
Thank you, Shelly!
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